dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she pinky promised me she was 18
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
