OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
