I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
