Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
