swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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