you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The feeling are messing with the penis
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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