i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
