I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
