You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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