I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
