your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
