Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
vagina is talking i cant
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
