In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
