yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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