literally had 100 drinks last night.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My dick has a subreddit
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
