oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
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