just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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