i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
