I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
