worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
