Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
