I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
