i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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