I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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