you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
