I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i love accidental penises.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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