my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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