I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Houston, we have a blender
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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