I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
