Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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