Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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