Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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