two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
