Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
