When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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