uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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