After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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