3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Every concussion has its silver lining
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
