the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Randomize
