woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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