Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
