so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
