Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
