My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Drake has all the answers
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
