A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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