I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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