Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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