Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Randomize
