after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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