Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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