I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
